You ain't got a thing if you ain't got that bling.

It shouldn't take a genius like myself to explain why peeps wear jewelry. Jewelry is meant to make the wearer look better. But any ugly mug is still ugly even with the Hope diamond strapped on the forehead; so what do we mean by "better"? All y'all with a bit of evolution learnin' or especially with knowledge of sociobiology know that by "look better" we really mean "demonstrate reproductive value." An easier way to say that is to say that we look more rich. (There is certainly an element of style separate from monetary value of said jewelry, but this is a further demonstration of the same principle. Someone with "class" and "style" will know to wear appropriately classy and stylish adornments, as class and style are defined by whatever group of jerks that someone wants to impress. But the idea applies almost identically, so I'm just gonna talk about the value of jewelry as reflected by its monetary value. If you don't like that, go suck an egg.)

Some folks, and I won't say who, might take umbrage at the idea that jewelry is worn to make one look more rich and that one wishes to look more rich so that the desired sex will want to make whoopee with the jewel-adorned one in question.* To this I say, nuts. It should be clear enough that the more expensive a piece of jewelry is, the more attractive it is considered. "Tasteful" jewelry simply depends upon the social group (to whom the adorned will be trying to appear more attractive) and that group's definition of taste.

So who's still with me? Anyone? I'm going on anyway.

The interesting way to demonstrate this is to take a gander at the different types of jewelry worn by men and women. (The specifics to follow are necessarily for heterosexuals only, and in western culture only. The Homosexual angle on this is the same at the core, of course, but the particulars are naturally a little different. And frankly I'm not sure what jewelry the hermaphrodites are wearing these days. As for other cultures, the dynamics are again the same, but the jewelry is different and hence the details get a little muddy if I try to include everyone. Sorry, Laos.) There is a noticeable difference in the adornment of men and women. Men like fancy watches, pinky rings, and perhaps a thick necklace with something important on the end of it. Some men also like earrings, especially the younger men and also salty pirates. For men, the metal is quite important. Whether the dude in question prefers white or yellow gold, the chosen precious metal is more oft than not on prominent display. Women tend to go for more elegant and more bejeweled pieces - they like their sparklies. Certainly the precious metal that the jewel is set in is important, but less so than the actual jewel(s) itself. What does this tell us?

If you haven't been offended yet, just keep readin!

Demonstrating high reproductive value takes different paths for men and for women because reproduction is different for each sex, or so I'm told. A primary selling point for a man is the demonstration of personally accrued wealth. It is perfectly common for a female to seek out a financially successful man as he will be a better provider than a guy living in his parent's basement. Jewelry is a simple way that a male can demonstrate his worth as a provider (not to mention his apparent genetic fitness). Thusly the jewelry of males is more focused upon a display of precious metals and perhaps diamonds (but rarely any other stone). With women a demonstration of reproductive worth, according to biological science, is primarily focused upon her fertility. This is most clearly communicated by the woman's physical appearance, hence the cultural importance placed upon woman to be pretty. While one can argue that woman's jewelry is meant to enhance her beauty by making her a more valuable "prize" implying that women are property to be won or perhaps earned, I'm not going to argue that. Why I'm not even going to mention it. Try this on for size instead - the purpose of a females adornments is to draw attention to the female in question. Females compete with one another for male attention, and the more sparkly a lady is the more she will be noticed. To summerize all this - men wear jewelry for when someone looks at them while women wear jewelry so that someone looks at them.

*It is quite important to note that lookin' sexy ain't the only reason for some bling. There is also an important social demonstration of importance. This is still tied to demonstrating reproductive value, as social authority is primarily (according to sociobiology and neo-darwinism) if not universally based in...well, lookin' sexy. Heterosexual men will wear expensive watches and whatnot to impress one another. The ladies will wear all sorts of crazy shit to impress (see: upstage**) each other. These demonstrations of social worth are defined by a show of reproductive worth. If you don't believe me - nuts.

**Just a joke, ladies. Don't get your panties in a bunch.***

***Like now. See what I mean?****

****Nuts.